The KitchenMaid

A jarring note…

Thank you to everyone who responded to my gherkin SOS. It has taken nearly a week, but I am happy to announce that we have finally got it open. I tried all your suggestions, but in the end it was simple. I went out for a night of sewing, gossiping, eating gingerbread and drinking tea, while the Boy Wonder had some friends over for sausages, beer and a violent DVD.

When I came home, feeling a little like someone from an Austen novel, the house was dark and silent except for the whirring of the dishwasher. This heartwarming note lay on the kitchen counter:

And they say romance is dead! It turns out that eating rather a lot of spicy beef sausages from the halal butcher, drinking several French beers and watching a movie about a boy who wants to be a superhero gave the Boy Wonder just the strength he needed to wrest open the lid. I’m happy to hire him out if you have a similar problem. Just be aware that he can eat quite a lot…

Strong arm tactics needed…

In case of emergency, break glass?

This is a 2.5kg jar of Turkish gherkins. It has sat in our fridge for a week. We cannot get it open. We have tried everything, including Googling ‘how to open jar’. The next step is to throw it out the window, but that would be a shameful waste of gherkins, not to mention rather dangerous. Any suggestions?

Pasta sorta alla Nigella

I like to think Nigella Lawson and I have a lot in common. We both love cooking and eating and feeding people, we both love buying cookbooks and bits of kitchen kit, we both have brown hair and beautiful daughters. We both have millionaire husbands and live in swanky Georgian houses in Belgravia… oh, hang on, that’s right, I knew there was something that didn’t quite match. For all our similarities, I doubt Nigella has the same sort of slightly sick feeling in the middle of January when she gets her credit card statement. She probably doesn’t look in her pantry and think, oh god, there’s nothing to eat and another week until pay day. But if she did, I like to think this is what she might come up with…

Pasta sorta alla Nigella
This is my entry for Forever Nigella, a new blogging challenge set by the wonderful Sarah of Maison Cupcake fame. The theme for this month’s challenge is ‘Seasonal Sensations’ – which I have interpreted as ‘making something sensational even when you are broke after Christmas’. I’ve taken inspiration from Nigella’s Ultimate Greek Salad (published in Forever Summer), which we have been eating almost constantly. But with no feta or olives left in the fridge, this is what I came up with to sustain us on a night when the cupboard was bare and the only thing we had in abundance was basil in the garden. Actually, the cupboard seems bare quite often at the moment, so we are eating like this a lot (which is no bad thing).

1/2 cup olive oil
1Tbsp red wine vinegar
1 red onion, finely sliced
1 clove garlic, smashed with a little salt
4-6 vine ripened tomatoes, roughly chopped
1 tsp sugar
1 tsp sea salt
handfuls of fresh basil, roughly torn
225g pasta
salt and pepper

At least an hour before you want to eat (preferably two or more), put the olive oil, vinegar, onion and garlic in a small bowl. Stir well and cover.
Just before you want to eat, put the tomatoes, sugar and salt in another small bowl. Stir well and leave at room temperature.
When you want to eat, cook the pasta until al dente. Drain into a serving bowl, then tip the onion and tomato mixtures on top, followed by the basil. Grind over lots of black pepper. Toss well and congratulate yourself on another night of outwitting the bailiffs.

Good enough to eat: Body Scrub

It was called pampepato and it was going to be the answer to all my Christmas present woes. I’d found the recipe for this medieval Italian treat – a kind of panforte – and bought all the ingredients. I set aside an afternoon in my tumbledown kitchen and imagined all the grateful recipients sighing with joy as they bit into their handcrafted festive treat.
Then I took the finished products out of the oven.
“Oh,” my flatmate said, peering over my shoulder. “It looks like a whole lot of cowpats.”

I’ve since learned that Christmas plus stress plus the best will in the world will not necessarily equal success. By this stage in the game it’s far too late to make chutneys and jams, but you can make this – a no-cook, no stress body scrub. And your friends and family will love you for it.

Chocolate Olive Oil Body Scrub
I snitched this recipe from Melissa at Tiny Happy, who has a really gorgeous blog about the things she makes for her shop. I’ve changed the proportions a tiny bit and added cinnamon for a bit of festive spice. It’s moisturising and exfoliating (especially good for getting rid of dodgy fake tan streaks) – and possibly the most waistline-friendly way to get a serious chocolate hit. Enjoy!

1/2 cup olive oil
1/2 cup brown sugar (not raw sugar, unless you have the hide of an elephant)
1/2 cup cocoa
2tsp cinnamon

Mix everything together until well combined. Add a little more oil or sugar to get the consistency you desire – it should be a nice blend of grittiness and viscosity. Pack into a small glass jar and decorate in a festive fashion.

Emergency rations: Pantry Pasta

Across the blogosphere, just like in real life, there’s a kind of Christmas mania setting in. There are lots of lovely people who are describing all the plans they’ve made and all the presents they’ve carefully crafted, sitting up late to embroider children’s names onto hand-quilted stockings and the like.

Reassuringly, there are also lots of people like me, who are suddenly realising that there are just 10 DAYS until Christmas and that it might be a little too late to take on all those festive projects. These people are probably sitting in their kitchens thinking about blogging and remembering to pay the phone bill and realising that they forgot to ring their sister for her birthday. After a while they might notice a slight smell of burning and remember the tray of Christmas mince pies they put in the oven to take to a work party. They will be tempted to shout and scream, but they will instead share a recipe for an emergency dinner – the sort of thing people like them need at this time of year when there is little time to waste and lots of things to do.

Emergency Pasta
When I’m stressed I crave salty, creamy carbs. This almost instant pasta sauce is just the ticket. Add or subtract ingredients to suit your own storecupboard. Whiz it up in a processor and you’ve got a fabulous topping for crostini or a dip for posh crisps.

For two people:

About 100g cream cheese
185g tin tuna, drained
A couple of handfuls of olives, stoned if you can be bothered
1Tbsp capers
4-5 sundried tomatoes
lots of freshly ground black pepper
Fresh herbs – basil, parsley, rosemary – if you have them
zest of a lemon

Throw everything into a big serving bowl and mix well to combine. Cook enough spaghetti for two people (about 220-250g), then drain  and add to the bowl. Toss through the sauce, taste for seasoning and serve. Very good with a soothing glass of rose.